I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Small penises have feelings too.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm always down for nudity.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
