I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We were destined to go to rehab together
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
