I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
