bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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