she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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