I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
