apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
