As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
