sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
