I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All the doctor said was why
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
