Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
