You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
