it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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