Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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