The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
