We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
