Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
