Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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