I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
