i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
