i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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