I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
