seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My ass is underappreciated
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
