shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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