I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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