you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
