Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

Fav 17 1417 3813
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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1952 9162
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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

Fav 12 8223 1408
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(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

Fav 23 3264 2057
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(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 23 1581 4041
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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

Fav 6 3355 893
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

Fav 2 716 1363
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(817): View more from Texas

i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.

Fav 0 13 31
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