Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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