I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
