Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
