I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
