Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
