Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
