I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
