that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
