I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
