my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Why did my mother make you get naked?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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