Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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