I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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