It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
