I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
