you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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