doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
