I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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