I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
