The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
