I'm really into asian looking animals
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
