he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
