Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
