First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
